SCHLOCKITAKIS! (Press Release) - #48
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Hello Friends!
Last week was a touching reminder that I’m a human with ups and down.
And as a human, I too make left turns onto oncoming traffic, like this post.
This week’s writing is extremely dumb. I’m self aware how fucking stupid it is… but you signed up for ShootTheShitWednesday, not TeaTimeTuesday, ya got that?
(“Don, it’s Thursday” — Yeah, I know that.)
Lately I’ve been thinking of what makes a string of words and letters have a rhythm (like Nabokov, Carlin, or Sorkin do in their written works).
Maybe my late obsession for Jazz and Brazilian Funk helped improve my groove and rhythm, and not just when I dance in the shower — I’m sure of it. There must be a study on this?
Think of a Shakespeare poem, like Sonnet 18 — Why does this feel smooth and “flowy”, when something like, say, a Forbes article on Wrigley’s Cannabis feels choppy and crunchy? Of course, the intentions are different, but my question is deeper than that — I’m talking about the syllables and tone and stressed and unstressed and, oh boy, I’m getting excited just talking about it.
If you are still wondering what the hell I’m talking about, below is a 15 second clip that I played 200 times on loop — seriously. Why does this work so well?
Enjoy my shitpost.
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE: 5/31/8008
Contact
Dirk C. Keester -- SVP of Corporate Comm & Media Liaison
PepsiCo-Nissan Corporation
Email -- dick@pepsiconissan.com
**SCHLOCKITAKIS!: NEW CHIP OFF THE OLD BLOCK TAKING COUNTRY BY STORM
**Our panacea for Gen-Z’s nostalgia?
Miami, FL -- Today, PepsiCo-Nissan, the world leading manufacturer and distributor of chips, beverages, sweets, chocolates, crackers, and cars, announced their newest product to their chip line: SchlockiTakis.
“This will bring our chip game to a whole new level,” said Jack Eves, Chief Chip Scientist at Pepsico-Nissan. Eves was sitting home one night watching the iCarly reboot on Netflix+ with his son, Xaq, when an ad for a spicy chip brand came on. “What did you eat when you were young, Dad?” said his son. After explaining what Takis were to his 9-year-old, he was met with a blank stare. Eves discovered an untapped market: If Hollywood can do it, why can’t food companies do the same?
“It’s going to be totally lit fam,” stated Tyreeka Simmons, CEO of Pepsico-Nissan. SchlockiTakis were developed using a new hydration process to get spicy molecules into the corn fiber. The spicy molecules are then massaged with ions to supercharge their spiciness; they are then vacuum sealed with space technology developed by SpaceX and sent to various Amazon warehouses for shipment.
Focus groups of 10-year-olds gave their opinion. “I like them,” and “I need water,” were just some of the comments. In the eyes of Simmons and Eves, it was a success.
“What makes them so good?” asked a participant.
“C12H22O11,” said Eves to the subjects. Although it is a secret formula, Eves felt comfortable giving away their main ingredient. SchlockiTakis have only two other ingredients: Corn and Natural Flavors. “We like to keep things simple,” said Dirk C. Keester, SVP of Corporate Communications.
SchlockiTakis will hit Amazon this Fall, but analysts have said that bootleg copies of the chip are making waves on the streets already. Pepsico-Nissan have sent cease-and-desist letters to many users on both Twitter and Reddit. One Reddit user, u/PM-ME-YOUR-TAKI-REQUEST, replied, “Fuck the Pepsi, Fuck the Altima, imma let the memes take my dreams.” Authorities have been contacted to trace the IPs of these various sellers.
Social media has been buzzing about the product launch, pre-sales are through the roof, and the forecast for Pepsico-Nissan in the next year is favorable for investors.
“There is no downside to this,” said Simmons. “Think of everything that we can bring back from the dead? Gen-Z is a very favorable market at the moment, and whatever they’re into, their children must be into as well. And if their children are into it, then the world must be into it. We believe that this corporate strategy is a direction that we can take for years to come.”
About PepsiCo-NissanCorp: (PENIS, +10.69%) is the leading manufacturer and distributor of chips, drinks, and chip-drink byproducts (and cars). With years of experience that equates to a bunch, they are the proud owner of a variety of food brands:
FRAUZZARITOS
FREAKOTICOS
SHLONGADITOS
DAKITAKIS
TAKIDOOKIES
KOOKIELOOKIE
KOOKIBOOKEYS
SCHLOBBYDOBBIES
SCHLOPPYDOPPIES
BUBBYLUBBIES
DOOPYSNOOPIES
DAPPALAPPAS
SHOOKAPOOPAS
YAMMERSNAPPERS
HOTTIEGOLLIES
BAPAKAPALAPA
HEHE-JOJOS
YOYOGOGOS
YOMOSOMOS
VIXYBIZZY
HOCKALOCKEM
CORNPORKIES
ZIPZAPZIPPIES
TIPPYDIPPIES
OAGIEPOAGIES
KIPPERDIPPERS
TUNAKOONA
COOPATOONA
ARTICHOKIES
AZZICHOCKIES
CHOCKYLOCKIES
FUGGYDUGGIES
and, of course,
BRUUUHHHNCHIES