Reel Chatty - #69
We've reached number 69... nice😎
INT. MOVIE THEATER - NIGHT It’s dark in the theater. YOU and YOUR FRIEND sit in comfortable red recliners as you both watch the Friday night release of FAST & FURIOUS: DEFCON ANNIHALATION. We see the MOVIE:
INT. GARAGE - NIGHT We see a YELLOW CHEVY CAMARO being worked on by a guy underneath it. The sounds of a wrench and bolts. From off the suburban street, amidst the quiet dusk, a man in a leather jacket comes walking up. His name: SHIA LABEOUF.
LABEOUF: Hey bro.
The guy under the Camaro slides out. It’s VIN DIESEL.
YOUR FRIEND (Off Screen): (whispering to YOU) Wow, he hasn’t aged a day…
DIESEL: Hey bro. I missed you.
LABEOUF: How’s he looking?
Diesel slaps the roof of the car. Looking at it.
DIESEL: (sighs) After the beating he went through yesterday… I don’t know. He might not make it.
YOUR FRIEND (O.S.): (whispering) Damn.
LABEOUF: I didn't... I didn't want to be true.
Shia chokes up. Diesel, seeing this, comforts him with a manly hug.
DIESEL: It's okay. We're doing everything we can.
YOUR FRIEND (O.S.): (whispering) Fuck...
CUT TO A FLASHBACK.
EXT. DESTROYED CITY CENTER - DAY Under heavy gunfire from behind, the Camaro maneuvers through fallen rubble and burning cars on a decrepit city avenue.
The Camaro is going FAST. And FURIOUS.
YOUR FRIEND (O.S.): (whispering) Imagine if that was your morning commute...
We cut to INSIDE the car:
INT. CAMARO Diesel drives the vehicle with absolute concentration. Gripping the wheel so hard, his knuckles are WHITE. SMASH! Bullets SHATTER the BACK WINDOW.
Diesel: (to the passenger) A little help here?
It's Shia sitting shotgun. He nods to Vin and opens the sunroof.
EXT. AVENUE - CONTINUOUS Out the sunroof pops Shia with a RAIL GUN, aiming back at the BLACK VAN ON THEIR TAIL. BA-BA-BA-BA-BA-BA-BAM! The black van chasing them FLIPS and EXPLODES into a FIREBALL.
INT. CAMARO Diesel slaps the steering wheel.
DIESEL: HELL YEAH, BROTHER.
Shia and Vin high-five. Fuck yeah.
YOUR FRIEND (O.S.): (whispering) That was cool.
Diesel continues driving. They both giggle. Smile at each other. Until suddenly... ROOAAARRRR!!
EXT. AVENUE Off in the distance ahead, the avenue becomes an OPEN BRIDGE... its other side blocked by the biggest MECHA DRAGON we've seen yet. It's the size of a SKYSCRAPER and seems to be built out of GARBAGE TRUCKS.
DRAGON: RROOOOAAAARRRRR!!!
YOUR FRIEND (O.S.): (whispering) That thing must have the worst breath.
INT. CAMARO Shia's mouth is wide open.
LABEOUF: No. Way.
Diesel is struck by the gigantic monster. He thinks. And puts the car into HIGH GEAR. Then FLOORS IT.
LABEOUF: What are you doing, bro?...
DIESEL: Trust me.
Diesel flips a switch and pushes a RED BUTTON.
EXT. CAMARO The car flips out ROCKET BOOSTERS. BOOM! It BOLTS.
INT. CAMARO THE SPEEDOMETER CRACKS.
LABEOUF: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
DIESEL: TRUST ME!
EXT. AVENUE BRIDGE The Camaro steps onto the open bridge, and goes up toward the DRAGON. THE DRAGON OPENS ITS MOUTH--
INT. CAMARO -- AND ROARS! The sound blast BREAKS THE WINDSHEILD.
DIESEL: Tell Matilda -- I LOOOVVVED HEERRRRR!!
YOUR FRIEND (O.S.): (whispering) Wait, I missed something, who's Matilda?
DIESEL AND LABEOUF SCREAM AS THEY--
EXT. AVENUE BRIDGE -- DRIVE INTO THE DRAGON'S MOUTH. Gulp.
Silence. Are they dead?...
BAM! OUT THE BACK OF THE DRAGON'S HEAD APPEARS THE CAMARO.
DRAGON: GAAAHHHH!!
INT. CAMARO Diesel and Labeouf, covered in JUNK, SCREAM WITH ADRENALINE. The car lands onto the OTHER SIDE OF THE BRIDGE. Diesel adjusts the rear view mirror and in it, we see the DRAGON IN AGONY. Moments later...
KABOOM! THE DRAGON EXPLODES.
The theater goes goddamn WILD. CLAPS from all around.
YOUR FRIEND (O.S.): Now THAT was cool!
END OF FLASHBACK. WE CUT BACK TO:
INT. GARAGE - NIGHT Labeouf and Diesel are still hugging. They let go of their embrace.
DIESEL: (nodding to the Camaro) He was good while he lasted.
LABEOUF: After that Decepticon Dragon? Yeah. He really was.
DIESEL: But at least...
Vin grabs Shia's chin with his thumb. Caressing his bottom lip.
DIESEL: ... this will last a little while longer.
YOUR FRIEND (O.S.): Fuck off, what.
LABEOUF: But Matilda?--
DIESEL: May God rest her soul... not knowing our little secret.
YOUR FRIEND (O.S.): You got to be fucking kidding me.
And under that dim garage light, Shia KISSES Diesel. DEEP TONGUE ACTION. IT'S HOT.
The theater gasps. F&F fans cover their mouths in shock.
YOUR FRIEND (O.S.): Wow. Fast & Furious is gay. (beat) Hollywood, man.
THE CAMARO: (robotic voice) Hey you two, knock it off...
Diesel and Labeouf stop kissing and turn to the vehicle. The Yellow Chevy Camaro comes ALIVE.
DIESEL & LABEOUF: Bumblebee?
Your friend THROWS HIS POPCORN ONTO THE GROUND. He gets up, CLIMBS OVER YOUR LEGS, walks down the theater stairs, then comes back up the steps, OVER YOUR LEGS AGAIN, and sits back down.
YOUR FRIEND (O.S.): WHAT.
Bumblebee reverses out of the garage, and on the driveway, TRANSFORMS into his robot self. Diesel and Labeouf stare at Bumblebee in awe.
LABEOUF: BUMBLEBEE! YOU'RE ALIVE!
YOUR FRIEND (O.S.): THIS IS NOT HAPPENING.
CUE HEROIC MUSIC.
BUMBLEBEE: Yes. I am. Now... let's get that mothertrucker.
DIESEL: Yes. (turns to Labeouf) Together.
LABEOUF: Together.
CUE "BAD REPUTATION" by JOAN JETT
They smile at each other. Diesel slaps his ass.
YOUR FRIEND (O.S.): DUDE. Like. They're really messing with the lore on this one.
YOU: (whispering) Hey man.
YOUR FRIEND (O.S.): Yeah?
YOU: (whispering) I'm trying to watch the movie...
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