Personal Personal Personal - #59
(source)
Always take everything personal!
Can’t go wrong with that perspective!
Boyfriend fudges your Mom’s name?
Friend didn’t invite you out?
Your coffee is cold?
It was personal, goddamnit!
You got a bad haircut. Why?
Because they wanted to you to relive your 2nd grade bowlcut.
You rolled into the barbershop with your $20 personality,
Which should be plenty for a man wielding scissors, you tell yourself.
You think they fucked your fade because they didn’t like your response –
“The last Batman was okay.” Boy, was that a mistake!
And they retaliated by mowing into your head,
“Fuck you, DC fan!” – or so you think.
You can’t see the top of your head.
Buddy doesn’t Venmo halfsies for lunch. Why?
Because he secretly relishes the thought of you being a broke bastard,
He gets a hard-on of adrenaline when he owes you a debt,
He likes flushing any friendship duties down the drain.
Maybe it’s all these reasons, as he’s most likely wondering,
“How long will he go till he brings it up?”
But if he’s pondering that, and you know that he knows,
Then what the hell is he waiting for? Bastard!
Although, you didn’t openly remind him,
It’s still his fault! – or so you think.
People can’t remember everything.
That girl straight up ghosted you. Why?
Because she enjoys playing 4D mind games with simps.
It’s not as if she’s busy with work,
Or reeling from personal issues,
Or met the love of her life that Tuesday.
None of that would make sense!
The reason she’s ghosting is because she finds you a stinky nerd!
Who doesn’t know the difference between red and white wine!
Who wouldn’t dare step into yoga or Yahtzee!
Who can’t even locate her G-spot!
“He needs to get his shit together!” she must be telling friends.
And your response is putting all your time and attention,
Into a hot lady that hates your guts now! — or so you think.
You haven’t texted back your friend in three days.
Find a mild inconvenience that pissed you off recently.
No one is thinking of you more than they are thinking of themselves.
How liberating of a tragedy is that!