On Tea - #24 – 2/26/2020
On Tea
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When I was drinking tea as a kid, it made me realize, "Wow, I like tea." The tea thing goes way back.
Since when I was a young teenager, I wanted to try big boy drinks. The type of drinks men drink. Beer was too much for my young 16-year old liver, though Mike's Hard Lemonade was quite the rager. I remember telling my mother, "I want to start drinking coffee." "Coffee?" "Yes, coffee." "Here's a cup."
And let me tell you folks... that cup of coffee tasted like I was licking an almond’s armpits that have been sweating for 30 years on the dirt floor of a construction site. "Maybe you didn't grind it well enough?" "That's the way we always grind it. We always grind it like that - always." You mean it’s supposed to taste like putrid dirt? Dirt. That was the taste. And I hated it. It exhausted my mouth with each sip, stealing years and adding wrinkles to my chubby cheeks. Why I don't have the nerve for the bean, I will never know. It's maybe the way my tongue is structured – canned oysters and asparagus? Come right on in! Coffee – never in a million years. But how would I join the league of adults? What could I do to feel like an adult in the morning? After all, I was in a stupid rush to grow up that I thought drinking coffee was the cornerstone of adulthood. "I can't be 20 and drinking Yoo-hoos every morning. I need a drink that’ll make people think, ‘Look there Dave – a real man guzzling some joe."
Then I thought... tea? Well I'm pretty sure that the only people in this world that drink tea are, as my Texas high school friend at the time put it, "Damn foreigners that are trying to take our freedoms." So I looked up these freedom stealing foreigners. "Guess what I learned. Over half the world drinks tea. And I don't mean on occasion for ceremonies. They drink tea all the time. The Brits do it breakfast, lunch, and dinner. The UK power grid is built to withstand the energy bump of a million tea kettles firing at 7:30 in the morning. The Indians drink different teas from all around their country. The Arabian peninsula and the rest of the Middle East have it as a custom to invite friends my age over for tea - you know, grown men with beards! Moroccans do a cool thing with putting the tea in a kettle glass thing and having it waterfall behind someone's back and into a pot. While spinning! The Chinese have been the heart of the tea trade for over 3000 years. The Japanese celebrate tea; they’re doing it! Koreans are doing it. The Russians are doing it. The Indonesians. The Filipinos. The Thai, the Australians, the Austrians, the Siberians, the Inuits. Everybody’s doing it! Most of Africa! The southern region of Africa has a Red Rooibos tea. Green tea. White tea. Black tea. Pu'er tea. Oolong! But stop right there, because chamomile, jasmine, and mint teas are not ‘teas’. They're not made from actual tea leaves and thus calling them teas is ridiculous. I want to try tea! I feel like tea would be a godsend. I thought I was alone in thinking of even trying tea. I thought you only get it cold with cubes at a Chilis or a Chicken Express. But hot! Who would've thought? Half the world apparently. Tomorrow, I'm going to try tea and buy a small packet of it from the market. HEB! F*ck Walmart. Do you know what I mean?"
“That's great sweetheart. Now go take out the trash."
That next day, I got some Twining’s English Black Tea. Heard you're supposed to put milk in it with sugar or honey, so I did just that on the first drink. And I fell in love. Compared to coffee, tea was amazing. Tea has many health benefits like antioxidants – okay, only green tea has that, but still: "This could cure cancer," I thought at the time not knowing jack-sh*t about the human body. And then once I was hooked, I didn't turn back. I couldn't believe it. “There is absolutely nothing wrong with this!” Younger me had no idea what was going to hit the fan.
"I... I need a kettle." Dug one out the pantry, blew off the dust and critters. Every morning, I heated the water until the little steam nozzle starting whistling. I would get up, get the water in the kettle, turn the stove on, take a shower, and when I heard the whistle, I came out, pour myself a black tea into my thermos, got dressed, came back, put sugar and milk in, and go to school. While driving I drank the hot tea, burning my tongue 2-3 times a week. "The water would be better tasting with an electric kettle. A stove top kettle is not hot enough and takes too long." Got an electric kettle. "Loose leaf is better for you and getting the full taste into your mouth is essential in various tea cultures." Got loose leaf tea.
Went to college. Tea was all over the place. My family thought I was crazy. "You'll never convert me to your ways," my brother said. “I will never turn back. It's too late. You think the ‘man’ is going to accept my ways in this coffee driven society? No way Jose.” In the dorms, I lived in the basement floor of an honor's dormitory in a special part of campus (I was not honors, of course. I simply lived there). And at the end of the dorm basement hallway, you could hear the bubbles and steam rising in my living quarters, touching the ceiling, as I stood on my swivel chair waving the steam away from the room’s smoke detector. My dorm roommate was astounded. "The fridge... is full of tea Don." "YES, I'M AWARE, WHY, DO YOU WANT TAKE IT AWAY FROM ME. GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME."
Moved out of the dorms and into an apartment with my friend I met at the Honors dormitories. He had beer in the fridge, I had an assortment of teas.
The addiction has toned down as of late, but it's still there. Can't stop, won't stop. "Don, what about pressed coffee-" "NO." "Would you like to try the Starbucks Blueberry tea-" "NO." I am now at a point of saying "No" to new coffee things. Cappuccinos, macchiatos, lattes, ventis, espressos, Americanos, cortados, ristrettos, affogatos – frappes. Disgusting. Especially the last one. I'll stick to my tea. And all you heathens can stick to your dumb lattes with whipped cream, honey, and kale bits. I have my tea. You got your coffee. Let's put the weapons down.
And the best part of all this? I have never made a good cup of tea in my life. I always leave the bag for too long, the water is not hot enough, too much sugar, too much milk, never made a cup of tea that I thought was worth sharing with the world.
So next time you see me drinking tea, you'll know my stance. And if you ask me to try your vanilla espresso gumball cappuccino thing from "that jazzy cafe on 3rd and 20th", I will try it and immediately think, "This person has no idea what the real life is." And I will then proceed to quietly listen to your stories all the while judging your literal tastes in things.
Thank you.
News.Video.Poem
1. THE WEINSTEIN TRIAL’S IMPERFECT, MOVING CONCLUSION By Naomi Fry | the new yorker.
2. I love Billy on the Street! Here he is with Emma Stone. Don’t worry, there’s 6 seasons to enjoy on Hulu and Netflix!
3. Anne Sexton at home reading Wanting to Die (use headphones: no foul language, just heavy metaphors) -- Anne Sexton (November 9, 1928 – October 4, 1974) was an American poet known for her highly personal, confessional verse. She won the Pulitzer Prize for poetry in 1967 for her book Live or Die. Her poetry details her long battle with depression, suicidal tendencies, and intimate details from her private life, including relationships with her husband and children, whom it was later revealed she physically and sexually assaulted.