How to Properly Threaten Someone - #63
CW: violence and bad words
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Acknowledging the above, please enjoy this week’s post.
There will be no time to practice the courage to say it all week. No time to binge motivational TikToks or finish Breaking Bad. Forget watching “100 Most KICKASS Movie Lines of ALL TIME”, because not even your six-pack abs or Gestalt therapy will be in your corner when the shit hits the fan: they fire you, touch your girlfriend, slap your dingus, eat your cake – and you have to be loaded to the nines with the most sick ass shit you can drop in an instant.
I’m not talking about an “insult”, a degrading word or phrase you crack open to make the room gasp. Calling someone a “stupid ass dicknugget” will not get you very far. No, you need to strike fear. Get them sweating, worrying, having them watch their back when they enter your district. What you need in your arsenal is a well-crafted threat. A threat that pierces the enemy’s ego and undresses them where they stand. One that will throw the probability of an attack into uncertainty.
“Wait, but why? I like world peace and little pumpkins – I can’t hurl a violent, charged statement at another human being, much less have one ready to go on the spot.”
Bullshit! That piss douche fuckface went up to you and said, “Pack your shit, you’re outperforming me,” or, “I blew your boyfriend last night after the bar party.” Of course, their verbal attack may have some merit: you suck at your job and your boyfriend likes the suck. Whatever it is, they jumped the game from the 1st to the 9th inning in a millisecond. Are you going to just take that? Do some dumbass pussy shit like Atticus Finch and walk away?
That’s what I thought. So, what do you say?
Figure A (source)
To start, a good threat has an air of violence to it, may it be a physical threat, or mental, social, etcetera, though a physical threat will be registered right away. “I see you again, I will curbstomp your kneecaps,” works better than, “Watch it, I’ll humiliate you during the Thursday poetry slam.” Second, avoid threatening property. It’s lame. “I’m going to throw a brick at your Porsche,” doesn’t sound nearly as fun as, “I’m going to beat you with this brick.” Reason being that if you're serious about breaking their toys, you would have done it by then. Finally, a threat does not necessarily need “deadly violence”. You don’t want to go so overboard that they have a legal justification for an arrest. “I’m going to shoot you,” is lightyears different than, “I will come to your house and flip your hetero ass (with romance, not rape).” Check with a trusted friend that your threat contains just enough violence to cause concern for the enemy but not the police.
One more thing. It probably goes without saying, but your threat cannot be something you might hear in a movie. If you approach a guy with, “Who’s in charge? Me or the devil? I think I’m in charge,” – then you live in an anime.
They have to be realistic, like the following:
“I will chip your tooth and feed it to your dog.”
“You smash my girl, I smash your face.”
“Tell me or I’m waterboarding you in the toilet.”
“Back the fuck up or your toes get it.”
Disclaimer on the last one: the general threat of, “Touch me again and see what happens,” ironically motivates them to touch you again. When they do provoke you a second time, be prepared to show them that uppercut you’ve been practicing.
As you’ve probably gathered by now, the threats I am advocating for play defense rather than offense. Don’t start stirring shit for the sake of it. Assuming you’re a person that rarely gets into fights, you’ll need defensive threats ready for those split second situations. For example, ladies, let’s say you’re alone in a dark parking garage and while finding your car, a psycho in a hoodie jumps out. Retaliate with, “Watch it you fuck, I will stab this car key through your throat.” Or you meet a gross guy, like a film producer, and he’s inappropriately honking your knockers at an “audition” conveniently located at his house. Your go-to can be to grab his junk, crush his kiwis, and say, “Keep going and I’ll chop your dick off.” And then run!
Like dicks, the length of the threat matters. Your threat has only enough gas for a single breathe, so be mindful of using, “If I ever see you in my sights again, sir, I will eat a fuck ton of beans, find out where you live, break into your residence, catch you when you’re sleeping, and, literally, shit down your throat.” By the time you finish that monologue, you’ll be on the floor.
Although, the more elaborate the threat, the more I am willing to pay money to see it happen:
“Want coffee? The grounds will go great with your wounds.”
“I got a crowbar in my trunk that’ll me turn your teeth into Etsy jewelry.”
“Step on my property again and I’ll drag you behind my pickup for a country mile.”
A nice threat has to roll off the tongue, like:
“How about I fuck your mother’s cunt and tell you how it smells.” Very aggressive, very sophisticated, zero to sixteen syllables in under three seconds, this threat will get you where you need to go. Use sparingly… unless you're a step-dad, in which case, use it all the time.
Make it extremely clear to the opposite party you mean business:
“I will fuck your husband and, if he’s over 18, your son too (with romance, not rape).” Got to be sure not to step into pedophile territory when telling another woman you’ll fuck her entire family and subsequently supplant her as the new Queen.
As we stated earlier, a threat can also inflect mental or social pain. Maybe the boss is trying to convince you that the company is doing God’s work, but how could you care? You’ve been working your ass off for five years to make partner and he passed the promotion over to Pamela, that shameless slut. “John,” he’ll say, “it is what it is,” and then tell you to fuck off to unemployment land. Time to flex that big dick energy with, “Fuck you Jerry, you fire me and I’ll unionize this bitch.” In situations like these, mention unions. They seem to work a bit better than telling a jerkoff in a suit you’ll, “shit down his throat.”
And, my personal favorite, when it’s daytime and your opponent doesn’t know you on a personal level, but they threaten to pull white collar shit on you (e.g. sue you for damages, beat you in the Midterms), just say:
“Oh yeah? I’ll call the Cossacks on your ass.”
It’s not “calling the cops”, as that’s a boner way to solve your problems. We didn’t say “my guys” or “thugs” or “the homies” – that’s what poor people say. You are a person with status. You don’t have “guards” or “security”. You have, supposedly, “Cossacks” who do your bidding.
And, if your enemy, in a wild set of circumstances, dies right before election day, or the court date, or the merger, and a reporter stops you on the morning commute, stating, “Yes, Miss Steel Tits?” – (that’s what they’ll call you in the media) – “Have you heard about your opponent, Senator Shitdick, dying in his sleep last night? They found nine bullets and opiates in his system. Anything to say?” You would say, “Yeah. Don’t fuck with the Cossacks.”
Then keep walking. Put in your headphones, tuck your hands into your pockets, and play Driving Forever while you walk into your new hi-rise office. Watch out people; you will fuck them up (with romance, not rape).
Alexandra Fyodorvna, Nicholas II (wearing a Cossack uniform), and the Cossacks of the Escort, Livadia, Crimea, 1913 - (source)